Answer

The best way to begin to reawaken your romantic lives is with your clothes on, sitting together at the kitchen table, says Rainer. “My favorite four-letter word for intercourse is ‘talk,’” he says.

He suggests these fill-in-the-blank phrases to get the ball rolling: “I feel loved and cared about when you . . . ” and “I used to feel loved and cared about when you . . . .” Your answers should be short, sweet and concrete.  For example, “I feel loved and cared about when you let me read the front page of the paper first.” Or “I used to feel loved and cared about when you brought me flowers.”

The third and last phrase, says Rainer, is “I would like for you to . . . .” Use the answers to create a “caring list” for each other, made up of 20 small actions your partner could take to make you feel loved. Exchange lists and agree that every day, or every week, you will each choose a different item to do from your partner’s list. As you begin to feel appreciated and loved again, you’ll probably feel ready to move to the bedroom for the sensate focusing exercise described earlier.

Seifer suggests a walk down memory lane. “The kinds of things that you paid attention to when you two were courting each other are pretty important,” she says. “How long has it been since you’ve just sat and kissed? Or curled up together on a couch so that the person with arthritis was comfortable? That’s the way most sex therapists introduce people to intimacy again.

“Don’t touch to get each other turned on; don’t let her touch you because it’s been six months and she knows you’re frustrated. Touch for the pure pleasure of it,” she says. “That other stuff will come. If you ever were excited by one another, if you ever were overwhelmingly in love with one another, you can always recapture that . . . and what better time than now?”