File a Complaint
Filing a complaint helps to get it off your chest, but don’t go overboard on the griping.
By Polly Campbell
Your car is in the shop again, your boss just dumped another project on your desk and the plumber didn’t show up on time. Not to mention that your knees and ankles are pulsing with the pain of a flare, and you didn’t sleep a wink last night.
It sounds as though you have plenty to complain about. And vocalizing your dissatisfaction with daily life just might be the antidote for dealing with it. Research indicates that constructive complaining actually can strengthen relationships, decrease stress and leave you feeling better, says Robin Kowalski, PhD, a psychologist at Clemson University, in Clemson, S.C.
But there’s a downside: Co-ruminating – or talking excessively about one’s problems – also can lead to higher anxiety levels, social alienation and even depression.
In one study, teenage girls who co-ruminated reported stronger friendships, but also experienced increased feelings of depression and anxiety, says Wendy Carlson, PhD, co-author of the University of Missouri-Columbia study, which was published in the journal Developmental Psychology.
“Talking about your problems is a good thing,” Carlson says. “But if that’s all you do – when it becomes excessive rehashing, and if there never seems to be any resolution – that’s when it needs to stop.”
So, go ahead and vent, but follow four guidelines for griping:
1. Find a good target. You’ll feel better after complaining to a friend who listens well, sympathizes and lends support. But don’t burden others who are struggling with their own woes.
2. Complain in moderation. Chronic complainers risk social isolation, simply because people get tired of listening, says Kowalski, author of Complaining, Teasing, and Other Annoying Behaviors (Yale University Press, 2003). The next time you find yourself launching into a rant, check yourself, she advises. Don’t fall into the habit of constant complaining, and be careful about always unloading on the same people.
3. Take action. Complaining repeatedly without working to improve the situation can be damaging to both your health and your relationships. It’s reasonable to express when you’re frustrated and hurting, but then do something to get beyond it. Soak in a hot tub, go for a walk, take a nap, listen to music, make a doctor’s appointment.
4. Know what you need. The inherent benefit of complaining comes from the relief we feel from simply sharing what is bugging us. Make it clear to your spouse or friend that you are just venting and that you aren’t asking for solutions. Then share your complaint and move on.
For more problem-solving and stress-relieving advice, read:
